I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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