"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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