porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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