How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
