bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
