i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I still have a little drunk in my system
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
