I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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