Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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