and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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