I need help removing her.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
