i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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