I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
