There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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