If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
