My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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