Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
