Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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