Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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