i dedicated my morning wood to you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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