I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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