I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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