the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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