After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Randomize
