I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
