I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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