Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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