After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
