trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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