Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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