Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
