I wish my penis had an off switch
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
