I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
