Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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