the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
