I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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