i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
