I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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