Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
