She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
