Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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