broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
