We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
