She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
