the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
