I think my fart just growled at me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
