you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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