Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize