I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
