I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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