Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
