You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
