Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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